Sue was my first love. She was the first person I had sex with and I was her first too. I never felt she loved me like I loved her. She was more ambitious than me and had more drive. She wanted nice things and regularly caused financial tension by spending money we didn’t have. Credit was harder in those days and I was brought up to save for things, not borrow money. We had various configurations for our financial affairs but when we ended up with both paying equally into a house fund, this seemed to work. She was however very surprised that I could afford a £1000 bike within a few months of saving. The worst moment came in Turkey when I thought I was being arrested because the Credit card was declined when buying a rug we couldn’t really afford. The credit card was for petrol which we paid off when she got her generous travel expenses from work. She had maxed it our buying holiday clothes. We had 4 years together in Ormskirk enjoying our life and first home together.
Running along in this way alongside a very large bank loan and a current account overdraft for the business left me feeling very pulled out. Doing up our house forced a lot of diy on me to save money but it also took a lot of time away from family life. Sue felt my absence emotionally because of the money issue undercurrents and “getting on with jobs”. When she met a guy she became fascinated by, she started and affair with him. I though things weren’t right but when I challenged her she just said I was being jealous. This left me not trusting my feelings. I joined a therapy group. Eventually we agreed to couple counselling and she admitted the affair and that it was over. The opening up and honesty between us allowed me to fall in love with her again and all was well in a way, but she wanted more. She started the affair again and we went for another round of counselling and I fell for her again and believed the affair had stopped.
Other things happened during this time which took my emotional attention, but I also felt unsupported with. We were forced to sell the shop for a knock down price, with suppliers not paid and owing £35k to the bank. I had county court judgments and bailiffs taking walking possession of our property and a massive VAT bill, and poor records. Sure I didn’t tell her all this and tried to handle it, but she was aware of the enormity of it. We moved house and the bank wanted their money back before we could move, but fortunately I had the correspondence safe which protected our interests.
She arranged a job swap with a Dietician in NZ and took Anthony away for 6 months. I was celebrated for letting her go, but I really didn’t have a choice. She went with quite a generous budget – much more spending money than she used to have access to – so that she could enjoy her stay. I managed to balance the books whist she was away too. I continued to work on myself and joined a mens’ group. When she came home I was delighted to see her and Anthony, but she wanted to be almost anywhere else. She was very unhappy.
She was even more unhappy when I discovered the £5k credit card debt she had run up in NZ and was hoping, by leaving the country, to get away with. I also discovered photos of the naked body of (one of) the guy(s) she had been sleeping with in NZ who wanted her back.
We tried to muddle along. We had been going to Dance Camp Wales for a couple of years and I had bought a tipi to camp in and built a trailer for the car. We went to camp and had quite a good time. We met a family from Brighton who camped with us and Ant got on well with Garry. They told us about another camp two weeks later that they were going to. I managed to get more time off work and went. It turned out that Richard and Julia had an open marriage and he was seeing someone in Brighton. Julia and I started getting cosy and by the end of the camp had had sex in the tipi and were all over each other. We started a long distance relationship. Because of Garry and Anthony’s friendship we saw each other with the kids around which wasn’t a good idea really. We did have a couple or weekends with out them too. I realised what it was like to have someone who loved and valued me. What I had been missing from Sue – especially recently. Eventually Sue and I had a conversation on our way to a family wedding when we agreed it was over. Ant was asleep in the back of the car. We told family. We divided the bedroom in the house so we had different beds. I continued to see Julia. Sue asked me to leave. I said when I’m ready. I found a small terrace, agreed maintenance through the divorce and moved out. We stayed civil and shared the responsibilities pf co-parenting very well. I’m sure we dropped the ball sometimes.
The reason I want to say all this is because I don’t believe the full story is in the public domain. I don’t know what she told her family, but at the time of separation, I was the one having an affair. I was the bad man. I don’t think people know about her misbehaviour and how long a period it took place over. We moved to Lancaster in 1984 and separated in 1992.
Another reason in the back of my mind recently is from my men’s studies in the early 1990’s. I read Iron John, by Robert Bly. He analyses the story from a mythological point of view in that the story is designed to help men understand their journey through life. I wonder about the part of the story when the boy leaves with the wild man. He finds the key to the wild man’s cage under his mother’s pillow. I connect the need to find the wild man and release him with my son’s struggles with metal health. He has recently talked about reclaiming some parts of himself we explored together at camps. I wonder if the secrecy (my word because that’s my perception, |I could be wrong!) around Sue’s affair is deeply suppressed and that he need this “key” to move on. The fact that the key may be hidden under his mother’s pillow, means to me that he needs to find out from his mum – I can’t tell him.